Category: clean jokes

OCTOBER Tidbits 

*Keep smiling & laughing!

* When I look around and see what this world is coming to & what the aging process is doing to me, I don’t know what I would do without the Lord!

* 50 and over? You are automatically a member of the Celebrated 50 PLUS club. Enjoy the journey!


Great day everybody! It’s a great day because Jesus is alive! I don’t know what I would do without Him. 

Tidbit 1  Humor Time
*** A good laugh is sunshine in the house.
— William Thackeray
*** Biblical Songs
Noah: “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”
Adam and Eve: “Strangers in Paradise”
Lazarus: “The Second Time Around”
Esther: “I Feel Pretty”
Job: “I’ve Got a Right to Sing the Blues”
Moses: “The Wanderer”
Jezebel: “The Lady is a Tramp”
Samson: “Hair”
Salome: “I Could Have Danced All Night”
Daniel: “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
Joshua: “Good Vibrations”
Peter: “I’m Sorry”
Esau: “Born To Be Wild”
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: “Great Balls of Fire!”
The Three Kings: “When You Wish Upon a Star”
Jonah: “Got a Whale of a Tale”
Elijah: “Up, Up, and Away”
Methuselah: “Stayin’ Alive”
Nebuchadnezzar: “Crazy” ~Unknown

*** Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins
 – Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
– Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
– This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
– Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Tidbit 2  I Don’t Know What I Would Do Without The Lord
In times like these we need someone that we can depend on. We need someone who will always be there. We need someone who we can call on anytime and anywhere.  When I look around and see what this world is coming to, I don’t know what I would do without the Lord. When I look in the mirror and see what the aging process is doing to me, I just don’t know what I would do without the Lord. Click on the video below to hear my (50 PLUS) rendition of I Don’t Know What I Would Do without the Lord.(4:11 min.)

Tidbit 3 Welcome to the club! 
If you’re 50, 60, 70, 80 and over, you are automatically a member of the Celebrated 50 PLUS.  Age brings intelligence, experience, wisdom and beauty. So why are many people scared of it? I blame society. Society has played a big role in our perceptions of aging.  As a result some people struggle with the fact that they are growing older. Is it possible that we fear and deny aging, because we fear and deny death? As a result, are we rejecting the wisdom of the aged? Are we robbing old age of its meaning and the youth of its direction?

Adults 50 and over can feel that they are invisible and neglected by society.  JESUS loves you!  You are not invisible to Him. He will never neglect you. He can still use you if you’re on top of the hill (50) or over the hill (PLUS).

Really though, age is just a number… a number that gets you extra discounts and savings (woohoo)! Turning 50 and going beyond 50 is not a time to look down, but a time to look up.  Exciting things can still happen.  We’ve got places to go, people to see, goals to fulfill, books to write, songs to sing, people to inspire, people to mentor. The list goes on and on. 

  • Harland Sanders, didn’t become “The Colonel” of Kentucky Fried Chicken until he was 65.
  • Laura Ingalls Wilder didn’t publish her first novel until she was 65 years old. She’s known for the book –Little House on the Prairie. She went on to write 12 more books.
  • Grandma Moses (Anna Mary Robertson Moses) was 76 when she began her career as a painter.
    Research shows that people 50 years and older who had a more positive self-perception of aging lived 7.5 years longer than people with negative self-perceptions about aging. Research also suggests that those who are grateful report less pain and take better care of themselves, which can increase longevity. 
      
    Affirmations for the Celebrated 50 plus:
  • Whatever my age, my personal relationship with Jesus Christ will empower me to discover and share the hidden wealth that lies within me.
  • Today I make the choice to enjoy life fully, with no regrets (no shoulda, coulda, or woulda from me).
  • It is what it is. I can’t reverse all of the effects of aging.  I WILL strengthen those things that remain because I have work to do for God.  Read Revelation 3:2.
  • Laughing, living in the moment, and adopting a positive attitude will help me stay young at heart.

    Perks Of Being on & over the Hill
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first. 
  • No one expects you to run — anywhere.
  • You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.

    It’s good to keep a sense of humor as we age, otherwise we could become bitter. The last thing I want to become is a bitter older woman. The aging process and all that goes with it is a reality, a natural part of the life cycle. It’s going to happen, whether we like it or not. The only alternative is – instead of being on top of the hill or over the hill – to be under the hill. So, why not just celebrate?

If you know Jesus Christ as your Savior, now is the time to get to know Him even better.  If you don’t know Him, accepting Him as your Savior will be the wisest decision you will ever make.

Thanks for stopping by. Thanks for the “likes.” Don’t forget to click the Follow Button.
 
Until next time, have a blessed day!


                      

Resources
https://www.laughteronlineuniversity.com/quotes-about-laughter/
http://swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Religious.htm
https://www.google.com/search?q=funny+quotes+about+aging&sa=X&biw=1494&bih=766&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&ved=0ahUKEwi_uKPDrrjOAhUCSyYKHR1QDc0QsAQIGw#imgdii=1O2Zt42HnEhdlM%3A%3B1O2Zt42HnEhdlM%3A%3Bl_jSHhHlBHBRcM%3A&imgrc=1O2Zt42HnEhdlM%3A

Lively Tidbits

*You look so much better when you smile!
* Psalm 121 – My help comes from the Lord.
* Have you heard about the sitting disease? Sitting too long, up to three to four hours at a time may increase your risk of disease.

Tidbit  1   Gotta Smile

Donation:  Father O’Malley answers the phone.
“Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”     “It is” 
“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”        Reply:  “I can.” 
“Do you know a Ted Ryan?”                       Reply:  “I do.” 
“Is he a member of your congregation?”    Reply:   “He is.” 
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”      Reply:  “He will.” 

The Sunday School teacher was just finishing a lesson on honesty. “Do you know where children go if they don’t put their money in the collection plate?” the teacher asked.

“Yes ma’am,” a boy blurted out. “They go to the movies.”

Are these plates clean? John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.

Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!” 

Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.

John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”

Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!” ~ Joke by Jonathan P., Chicago, Ill.

Tidbit  2    I Will Lift My Eyes to the Hills

Psalm 121:1-2 reads,I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. 2 My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. The New King James version changes the punctuation and puts a question mark after the word help. One interpretation of these 2 verses is: David is not looking at the hills as a source of help, but as a source of threat or harm. He asked himself where his help would come from.

He wrote this psalm after he became king. He was facing new challenges. He looked up to those hills where he had faced many challenges and problems, because he was hiding from King Saul. He remembered how God had delivered him out of one tight spot after another. He then answered his own question: My help is coming from the Lord. When you look up to the hills, (the problems and challenges) that you are facing, know that God is waiting to help you. He’s the only one who can help you. Turn to Him, not from Him.

Click on the video link below to view the oral presentation of this blog and hear my version of Richard Smallwood’s song, Total Praise.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fZFCzkn9r8

Tidbit  3   The Sitting Disease

Have you heard about the sitting disease?  Sitting too long, up to three to four hours at a time may increase your risk of disease. These diseases include: diabetes, cardiovascular disease like heart attack and stroke, and increased risk of death. It can contribute to obesity and blood clots.

God created us to move. So, what we should not do is sit for long stretches of time, even if we’re active at other times of the day. Experts have found that people who move just a little bit –even fidgeting or getting up from their desks on a frequent basis to get a cup of water, or taking a flight of stairs – significantly improved their health.

The solution: Stand up, sit less, move more, and more often. The following suggestions may help you (at home or at work).

** Set a timer; stand up every hour and stretch, bend or walk.
** Walking during commercials when you watch TV.  
** Stand or pace when you talk on the phone.
** Alternate between sitting and standing.
** Stand up for 1 to 2 minutes, and give God a praise dance.
**  Squat up and down 5 to 10 times, while thanking God for a strong, healthy body and the ability to move.

The information that I have shared with you is intended for informational purposes only.

If you know Jesus Christ as your Savior, now is the time to get to know Him even better. If you don’t know Him, accepting Him as your Savior will be the wisest decision you will ever make.

I am so glad that you stopped by. Thanks to those of you who let me know that know you enjoy these blogs. Until next time, don’t forget to smile and/or laugh at least once a day!

SOURCES
https://www.stewardshipoflife.org/jokes/
https://jokes.scoutlife.org/jokes/long-jokes/page/2/
Is Sitting The New Smoking? – The Heart Foundation
Why Did David Lift His Eyes to the Hills? A New Perspective on an Old Question | Here’s the Joy (heresthejoy.com)




Heart-Warming Tidbits

Heart-Warming Tidbits: **Your body doesn’t know the difference between real & fake laughter. Right now – just laugh! **Who will remember you 100 years from now? Only Jesus Christ. **Reflexology does a body & mind good: Foot Massage & Roller Balls. YESSS!

Tidbit 1   Humor Time

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, “Watch out for the wall!”

Did you hear about the man that got hit hard in the head with a can of Mountain Dew? Don’t worry. He’s alright. It was a soft drink.

Daddy reads some bedtime stories to make little Johnny fall asleep.  Half an hour later mommy opens the door quietly and asks: “And, is he asleep?”
Little Johnny answers, “Yes, finally.”

Tidbit 2  Only What You Do For Christ Will Last

How long do you think you’ll be remembered?  You may be remembered for a generation or three, for a few heroic things, but after that, it’s not likely that anybody will give a thought about you (unless you’re written about in a history book). Jesus Christ is the one and only person that will think about you far past your lifetime-once you have accepted Him as your Savior.  He will remember when you encouraged that person.  He will remember when you brightened someone’s day by giving them a compliment.  He’ll remember how you witnessed for Him.  He’ll remember that you were obedient to His word.

He’ll remember the things you did for Him. Just make sure you do what He directs you to do and not what you want to do. In other words did He direct you to build that cathedral or did you direct you to build that cathedral? Only what you do for Him is going to last.

[Click on the video below to view the oral presentation of this blog and to hear the hymn: Only What You Do For Christ Will Last.]

Tidbit 3 Reflexology

How are you doing with managing your stress?  It is said that a large percentage of disease is stress related. We know that massage can help manage stress.  Did you know that reflexology can also help you manage stress and provide other benefits as well?

Reflexology is a therapeutic form of foot massage and of course, hand reflexology is a therapeutic form of hand massage. Reflexology is based on the belief that each part of each foot is a mirror site for a part of the body.  For example, the low back and intestines are towards the heel.  The heart and chest are around the ball of the foot, & so on.

I like to use a roller ball to massage my feet.  As you can see, I have several.  I love using them, especially this yellow porcupine ball.  It is said that using a roller ball for 10 min. every day, can relieve some tension, increase energy levels and enhance feelings of well-being. I want to share 6 benefits of foot massage with you.

A foot massage may:

  1. Improve circulation.
  2. Help lower blood pressure.
  3. Support sleep.
  4. Prevent injury by improving the mobility of your feet.
  5. Reduce the effects of depression and anxiety.
  6. Provide pain relief, not only for your feet. 

Here’s my testimony #1: One time I had a pain in my neck.  The pain was there for more than a week.  I took aspirin, used a heating pad, but neither of them worked.  The Holy Spirit brought to my attention, my porcupine massage ball.  I began to roll one foot and then the other over the ball and immediately the pain began to ease.  I did it the next day and the day after, then the pain in my neck was totally gone.  Hallelujah!

Testimony #2: I had a pain in my chest. The pain would come and go. Once again the Lord reminded me of the massage ball.  He told me to use it for a certain amount of days.  I followed His prescription and the pain went away. 

God has all kinds of ways to help us, if we let Him.  You don’t have to have a massage ball to reap the benefits of foot massage.  You can use your hands to massage them.  You can roll each foot over a golf ball, tennis ball, or a rolling pin.  I’m not getting paid to endorse these products.  I just want to share how I have benefited from using them.  To God be the glory!

If you know Jesus Christ as your Savior, now is the time to get to know Him even better.  If you don’t know Him, accepting Him as your Savior will be the wisest decision you will ever make.

The information that I have shared with you is intended for informational purposes only.  Check with your health provider if you have health issues.

Thanks for stopping by.  Thanks for following this blog.  Until next time, have a blessed day or night!

Sources:
Funeral (laugh-of-the-day.com)
Hilarious Clean Jokes | Short-Funny.com (short-funny.com)